


talk dirty to me

by Dresupi



Series: Fool Me Once; Fool Me Twice (April Fool's Crack Smut) [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bad Dirty Talk, Crack, Darcyland April Fool's Smut Challenge, F/M, Oral Sex, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Shameless Smut, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 15:14:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10516314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Pietro feels like things are getting stale (he's wrong, but he's so cute while being wrong), and he wants to spice things up with Darcy.  He finds her secret stash of bad romance paperbacks.  What could go wrong?Posted for the Darcyland April Fool's Smut Challenge, Day 1: Crazy Euphemisms





	

**Author's Note:**

> Read about the Smut Challenge [here](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/post/157863665183/hey-guys-have-you-ever-wanted-a-reason-to)

 

Darcy kissed him goodbye before she left that morning.  Pietro was sipping coffee in the kitchen, leaning back against her countertop.  And she flitted over to pour some into her thermos.  She pressed her lips softly to his and murmured a sweet farewell.  

He’d slipped his hand behind her head to ruffle her hair, which caused her to half-heartedly complain as she fixed it back to its former glory.  She’d pursed her lips in that way she had, where she was trying to look angry, but couldn’t because what she really wanted to do was laugh.  It was adorable.  

She was about four seconds gone when he realized that they hadn’t touched each other in a sexual way _at all_ that morning.  There had been no sex in the shower, no wandering hands in bed.  Darcy hadn’t given him a rushed blow job in the kitchen before she left.  NOTHING.  

That was strange, wasn’t it?  

He scrambled to think of a morning in the past three months where she hadn’t at least pinched his ass or yelped out a giggle when he swatted hers.  What they’d done this morning had been downright _domestic_.

He gripped the counter with his free hand, concentrating on not destroying her cute kitty-cat coffee mug in his panic.

Was he boring her?

He ran the events of the past few days over and over in his head.  

They’d been dating for three months.  Longer than any of his previous relationships had lasted.  So, he supposed all in all, they’d had a good run.  But he didn’t want this to end.  

He really liked Darcy.  He would even venture so hard as to say the _other_ ‘L’ word when describing his feelings for her.  She was funny and smart.  She certainly kept his ass in line, and _that_ was saying something.  

But maybe, just maybe, he _was_ boring her.  They’d sort of been gliding towards a -- he shuddered at the mere _thought_ of the word -- _routine._

Old people had routines.   Not two twenty-somethings still in a technically fledgling relationship.  

Pietro was no stranger when it came to routines in relationships.   It was definitely true that Pietro had a system when it came to women. He had a checklist of sorts.  And Darcy had called him out on it on their first date. It was _bad_ , she’d told him. _Boring._  

That was one of the things he...other ‘L’ word-ed...about her.  What she and others called outspokenness, he called telling the truth.  And he knew he could always count on Darcy to tell him the truth.  

Which was why this was bothering him so damn much.  Why hadn’t she said something?  

Maybe she got sick of always telling him he was in the wrong.  Maybe she stopped caring?  

He was still gripping her coffee mug harder than he needed to be.  So he set it down in the sink.  

Pietro couldn’t remember _ever_ being this invested in a relationship before in his entire life.  So of course, it would all fall spectacularly to pieces just when he was getting comfortable.

He paced in her living room, upsetting the coffee table and the throw rug a few times because Pietro’s pacing was a lot faster than her furniture was used to.  He paused for a moment, part of an idea forming in his head.  He was an imaginative sort of man, he could definitely devise a way to make things less boring around here.  

The sex they had was -- in a word -- _magnificent_.  

Darcy was _very_ open-minded and there hadn’t been a thing he’d asked for that she said no to.  

Not a single thing.  

But he couldn’t think of anything she’d asked for that they hadn’t done.  So he was going to have to get creative and find inspiration somewhere.  

His eyes scanned her apartment.  He already knew where all of her secret sex stuff was, so he wasn’t going to go looking for anything like that…

Besides.  He’d outperformed her Hitachi Magic Wand, so it would be difficult to top that accomplishment.  

His gaze landed on her bookshelf.  Specifically on the second to the bottom shelf, partially hidden behind her _Harry Potter_ books.

Pietro zipped over, sliding the heavy hardcover volumes aside to see what was behind them.  He’d looked once before, he was a nosy little shit (according to Wanda).  He knew that was where she kept _those_ books.  The sexy romance books.  The ones with the worn covers and the artwork featuring men that bore a striking resemblance to Thor.

He picked up the first one that caught his attention.   _Man Overboard_. A Pirate Romance, according to the subtitle.  As if he couldn’t pick that up from the Thor-clone in front of a Jolly Roger, wearing a billowy white shirt that somehow showcased his pecs and abs.

He opened the book, skimming through it at the quick speed that he usually read things nowadays.  His eyes widened at the sex scenes.  They were decidedly more vanilla than what they usually did.  But the man...he talked.  A lot.  A regular chatterbox.  No man talked like this.  

Not real ones, anyway.  

But, judging by how worn this copy was, it was a favorite.  So Pietro started taking mental notes.  

* * *

 

He’d drawn the line at dressing up.  He’d hold that wild card for another time.  Because Pietro wasn’t above dressing up for Darcy if that was what she wanted.  

But he wasn’t Dread Pirate Captain Pietro.  Not this time.  

He might have the billowy white pirate shirt in his closet though.  It was possible.  But he was fairly certain he’d be golden with what he had planned.  

He’d texted her earlier, asking her to meet him over at his place for dinner.  He was kind of hoping they wouldn’t make it to dinner.  

* * *

 

Darcy came in directly from work, obviously worn out from a rough day of scientist wrangling.  

Pietro started with a kiss at the door.  The kind that made her put down her bag and wrap her arms around his neck.  

“Fuck me...Pietro…”  

He chuckled and moved his lips against hers.  

“I’m not kidding...Piet...please?”  Blob almighty, what she wouldn’t give for him to just take her right here.  Just on the carpet in his entry way.  Except.  Ouch.  Rug burn.  NOT FUN.  “Maybe we should take this to the bedroom?”  

“Your wish is my command, _princeza_ …”  

She was bouncing on the mattress of his bed seconds later, her head spinning a little because she was pretty sure Pietro became a fixed point in time and somehow moved the earth around him.  Bruce had informed her that no, that’s not how Pietro’s powers worked.  But she didn’t care.  Science just hadn’t found a way to explain her boyfriend yet.  And that was completely fine.  

His lips felt hot on her throat and he was deftly unbuttoning all the buttons on her sweater, exposing her silky camisole to the chilly air in his bedroom.  

His teeth teased at first one nipple and then the other, causing them to stiffen and ache under his touch.  He was so fucking good at that.  Working her up and bringing her to the edge of sanity.  

She had absolutely zero complaints about their relationship.  

They’d even kind of calmed down to that nice part of the relationship where sex was important, but not as important as being together?  She really liked this part.  It was comfortable.  

But the sex was still hot as hell.  

Pietro was tugging at the button to her slacks and she was fine to lay back and let this happen.  Let _him_ happen, because he was spectacular at what he did.  

“I cannot wait to touch you, Darcy…” he murmured against her, his voice was low and sexy, almost a growl.  

“Mmmmm,” she hummed, lifting her hips so he could divest her of these bothersome pants.  His fingers brushed against the front of her panties, following the line of her slit as he (slowly, for once) began to stroke her.  “Touch me all you want, I’m yours…”  

He kissed her belly, just over the elastic of her panties, his fingers still caressing.  “Mmm, I can feel how wet you are for me…”  

She smiled and let her head fall back on the pillows.  Dirty talk.  This was something they hadn’t done in a while.  

“Just for you…” she agreed, reaching down to run her fingers through his hair.  “Only for you…”  Pietro was definitely territorial if he was anything. That kind of thing got him all hot and bothered.  The only thing that worked better was when she was close to falling over the edge and she told him how good he was.  How fucking amazing he was making her feel.  He was putty in her hands when she said that.  

“I can’t wait to dip my fingers…”  

 _Oh yes, yes, tell me what you’re doing to me…_  His voice was so hot, gravelly and raspy.  And sometimes, if she played her cards right, he’d whimper just _so…_ He was perfect.  So fucking perfect.  

“...into your honeypot…”  

Her eyes flew open.  He didn’t seem to notice her reaction, he was so enthralled with rubbing her through her panties.  

_Oh my god, did he just say...honeypot?  Oh my BLOB, Pietro...NOOOOO_

He tugged down on her underwear, and she raised her hips again, causing his lips to connect with her pussy and then he was licking her open and all thoughts of that horrible euphemism were out of her mind.  He couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ say it again.  Not when his mouth was so busy.  

_Just stop thinking about it, Darce.  Stop thinking about your boyfriend calling your snooch a honeypot.  Just...stop._

He hummed against her, his tongue flicking against her clit and making her moan.  He pressed a kiss against it before raising his head slightly.  He pressed her thighs apart so they were bracketing his head.  His eyes were trained directly on her, and while this used to be a little unnerving, now it mostly turned her on. It was hot seeing how much the sight of her turned _him_ on.  

“You are so beautiful…” he murmured.  “Like a flower...the way you open for me…”  

Her thighs were quivering as he ran his tongue up her slit to wriggle over her clit.

“See?” he murmured.  “You open like petals…so lovely…”  

Her hands slid up her body to pluck at her nipples.  Her hips bucked impatiently as he flicked over her clit yet again, not staying there nearly long enough.  

“You like that?” he murmured, a low chuckle rumbling through her.  “You like it when I press your love button?”  

Darcy reached down and grabbed his hair, pulling him away from her so she could look at him.  “Pietro?”  

“Hmm?”  

“You know I love what you’re doing…”  

He grinned, looking positively sinful with _her_ still all over his mouth.  

“But could you please cool it with the lines of archaic romance?  You sound like you wandered out of a Harlequin…”  

He frowned, pushing up on his hands and disengaging from her fingers.  “You don’t like it?”  

She huffed out a sound that she desperately tried to disguise as a cough.  “No...it’s not bad, but like...it’s kind of taking me out of my happy place to my funny place?  And my funny place isn’t where I want to be right now?”  

He pushed up over her, still looking so very confused, which was an adorable look on him.  But every look he had was adorable in her opinion..  “But, I thought…” he gestured vaguely with his hand.  “Your copy of it was so worn…”  

Her eyebrows shot up towards her forehead as realization slipped through.  “Oh my god, you read my dirty books!”  

He shook his head, “Not _books._ Just one, only one dirty book.”

“Oh my god, you thought since it was worn, that I…liked it?”  

His face was turning red and he was slowly backing away from her.  He shook his head repeatedly.  “No, no, I just thought that…”  

“I love you.”  

He froze, his gaze locked on hers.  “You what?”  

“I love you.  You’re the sweetest guy in the entire world.  You read a trashy romance because you thought it was what I liked.”  

“Well that and…” he trailed off.  “I thought things could use some spicing up?”  

Now it was her turn to frown in confusion.  “Spicing up?  Are you bored?”  

“ _I’m_ not bored, but I thought you were.”  

“Why would you think that?”  

He shrugged.  “I figured...since we haven’t been...having as much of the sex as we used to, I could do something to...heat things up again?”  

“Pietro,” she pulled him closer to kiss his lips.  “We’ve been together for _three months_.  We don’t need to spice things up.  We’re just getting comfortable.  Aren’t you comfortable?”  

“Well...yes...but I didn’t want you to get bored with me...routine is..ehh...bad?  Boring?” he tilted his head to the side and she honestly thought she could just eat him up. “I...I love you too, and I don’t want to lose you.”  

She grinned.  “You’re not going to lose me…and ‘routine’ isn’t bad or boring.  It’s kind of relationship goals.  When you do it right.”  She let her fingers trail down his abdomen, coming to a rest at the bulge in his pants.  She palmed over it, feeling it start to harden in her hand.  “Now...let’s whip out your honeystick,” she licked her lips.  “I’m in the mood for something sweet…”  

He let his head drop to her shoulder.  “See, this is working on me, why are you better at this than I am?”  

“C’mon, baby...take your stiff manhood and split me open…”  

“Okay…” he laughed and shook his head.  “Never mind.  Not working for me anymore.”  

She poked out her bottom lip.  “Let’s stick your rod in my axle and get rolling?”  

“That doesn’t even make sense.”  

“I want to run my hand up and down your engorged pleasure center?”   

“How about I just…” he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers once more.  He tasted like her, and he was kissing her desperately, trying to hold back the laughter.  

The laughter that quickly turned into moans. Moans and a creaking bed frame.   

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/), if that's a thing you do. <3


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